Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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