I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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