there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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