how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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