i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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