apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
