proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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