I woke up to her vacumming the grass
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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