if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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