ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
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