He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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