she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
