Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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