I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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