i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
