Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
