if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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