At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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