worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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