I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
