Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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