you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
