That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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