I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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