just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
