I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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