You just made me feel so damn special
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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