everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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