and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
