I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
