How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
