you have to choose: penises or morals?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
