Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
