I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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