If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
