guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
