I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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