I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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