How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
