I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
