It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
