I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
They took my balls.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
