3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
