You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
