Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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