I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize