She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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