stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
