youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Randomize
