So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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