you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
He felt like a one man threesome
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
