all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize