You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
