Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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