I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize