Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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