literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
