EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
