What a fucking waste of an outfit
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize