dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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