U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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